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Thread: Sex

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says,

  1. #31
    loshlo's Avatar
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    A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
    He asks her, "What's your name?"
    She says, "Carmen."
    He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
    She says, "No, I named myself."
    He says, "Why Carmen?"
    She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
    He says, "Beerfuck."

  2. #32
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    Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

  3. #33
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    A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

  4. #34
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    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

  5. #35
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    A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

  6. #36
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    Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

  7. #37
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    It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

  8. #38
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    "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
    "Look, I can't prescribe..."
    "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
    The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
    "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
    "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
    "Um... okay."
    He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, he pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
    Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."
    His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies,

    "Me too.."


 
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